Extremely Mean Woman Blues

My girl is foul-tempered
She’ll yell and she’ll grunt
That mean, mean woman
Is a termagant
Oh yeah, she’s a termagant

Yeah she’ll boss me around
Tells me just what to do
Even Shakespeare could not have tamed
That mean old shrew
Oh yeah, she’s a shrew

She bossed me around in Dallas
Bossed me 'round in Chicago
Bossed me up in New York
That girl’s a virago
Oh yeah, a bossy virago

And she nags and she nags
Criticizes me sharply
Like an ancient Greek monster
That girl’s a harpy
Oh yeah, she’s a harpy

No, she’s not good looking
She’s just skin and bone
And she’s old as the hills
That girl’s a crone
Mmm, an ugly old crone

You might be wondering
Why I just don’t leave her
Well the truth of the matter is
I’m no prize either
Yeah, I’m no prize

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Ubiquitous

Things you find everywhere
On the ground and in the air
Things you find everywhere

They are widespread, inescapable, prevalent and rife
You’ll see they are ubiquitous as you live your life
They’re omnipresent, universal, and pervasive
You can’t avoid these things even if you are evasive
They are everywhere, they are everywhere

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Sullen Sallow Callous Callow

Sullen, sallow, callous, callow
Sullen, sallow, callous, callow

If you sulk all the time
As though sad thoughts you are mullin’
You’re sullen

If you look unhealthy
If your skin’s a sickly yellow
You’re sallow

If you’re cruel and insensitive
And act with malice
You’re callous

If you’re a young and naïve
And inexperienced fellow
You’re callow

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Everything in Moderation

Everything in moderation
Just as Aristotle said
Too much of a good thing
Makes a good thing bad instead

Sweet is good but too sweet is annoying
Someone who’s just too sweet is cloying

A compliment every now and then can be romantic
But pay too many compliments and you’re sycophantic

If you listen more than talk there’s a lot you can learn
But if you hardly ever talk, you’re taciturn

Call me names if you want but no stones, no sticks
If I use too many words, you can call me prolix

Everything in moderation
Just as Aristotle said
Too much of a good thing
Makes a good thing bad instead

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Honest I Do

I love you
Honest I do

When I tell you that you are my dear
Don't you know that I am so sincere

You can rely upon my veracity
For honesty I have an endless capacity

My declaration of love is guileless
I dont even know what a lie is

I'd never cheat on you, I wouldn't philander
When I say I love you only I say it with candor

I love you
Honest I do

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

If you like "Honest I Do,” you might also like girl group music.

New Year

2010 is on its way
Its onset I am sensing
2009 is past and gone
2010's commencing

The New Year starts just when it will
Its arrival you can't hasten
It starts at midnight, January First
That is when the New Year is nascent

A friend sent me a New Years card
That made me the card's recipient
The card read, Hope you have
A happy year that is now incipient (just starting!)

2010 has just begun
The future, you just can't know it
The year is only starting right now
The year is still inchoate

Do you know what Auld Lang Syne means?
Not that many people know
Auld Lang Syne is a Scottish phrase
It means a long, long time ago

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Yiddish Words in English

Yiddish once was spoken by European Jews
Here are some Yiddish words that English speakers use

A waiter who spills soup on someone's lap is a schlemiel
A schlemazel is the guy who gets the worse end of that deal
With a lap full of hot soup it's no wonder that he squeals
Oy vey! I'm such an unlucky guy!

A fellow in a sauna most certainly is shvitzing
If he's chatting with somebody you can say they are kibitzing
Occasionally the rocks with water they are shpritzing
Otherwise the air would get too dry

A person who complains so much that it could make you retch
Is a kvetch!
A thing that isn't even worth as much as one flyspeck
Is drek!

These are Yiddish words that English speakers use

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

The Utopian

He's dreaming of a better world

For a perfect society he is hopin'
His dreams are truly utopian
Some would say that he is idiotic
That his dreams are impossible
And he is quixotic

He'll concede that he is not realistic
That his dreams are perhaps idealistic
But even if they're unattainable in this place or era
That doesn't mean the dream he dreams
Is merely a chimera

He points out that your dream cannot come true
Unless you have a dream to pursue
And that the world might be a better place
If everyone else had his own dream too

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Fancy Graves

The rich man built a big stone building
Where folks could come to see him
After he was dead and gone
It’s called a mausoleum

I started down a dark church stairway
And on one step I tripped
I landed in a place that was full of tombs
A room that’s called a crypt

In my hands are the ashes of a cremated king
Where do you think I should carry ‘em?
Let’s put those ashes in a fancy urn
And take ‘em to the columbarium

If all you leave behind is bones
That doesn’t have to be scary
You can put them in a hallowed place
That’s called an ossuary

If you want to spend eternity in a fancy grave
There’s no need to be a sulker
Just save your money your whole life through
And buy your own sepulcher

No, you don’t have to wind up in the cramped cold ground
When your time has drawn to a close
The world is full of fancy places
Where you can decompose

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

My Many Moods

When I think about the past and get sad
I'm wistful
And when I'm glad, indescribably glad
I'm blissful

And when I'm liable to do anything
I'm capricious
When I feel the need to own lots of jewels and rings
I'm avaricious

These are my many moods

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Animal Kingdom

If an animal gives milk
Like a cow or a camel
It's a mammal

All the worms in the Earth
And all of their kids
Are annelids

Creatures with external skeletons
And segmented bods
Are arthropods (like a crab or an insect)

Single-celled, microscopic
Creatures, you ought to know-a
Are protozoa (like amoebas and flagellates)

Mammals that live in the water
Needn't fear dehydration
They're cetaceans (like a whale or a dolphin)

They're all part of the animal kingdom

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

You're So Immature

You're so immature
You're so silly and naive
Here are words that say how sure
I am that you're immature

Hallo!
You're callow
You're young and lack experience
Your smile
Is juvenile
You laugh at things that make no sense
(because you're such a baby)

I must croon
You're jejune
Like a little child you have no clue
I'm sure you'll
Be puerile
'Til long after this song is through

You're so immature
You're so silly and naive
I've sung some words that say how sure
I am that you're immature

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

War and Peace

P A C and B E L
Are the Latin roots for peace and war
You can have one but you can't have both
Because when it comes to peace and war
It's a case of either/or

(We want P A C--PEACE)

Magellan sailed across an ocean
That was so peaceful he thought it was terrific
The ocean didn't have a name
So he called it the Pacific

I have a friend who will not fight
Fighting is a thing he does resist
He believes peace is the answer
He is called a pacifist

If you've got a shrieking baby
If that baby is a crier
You can calm him down and get some peace
By giving him a pacifier

(Give us B E L--WAR!)

I know something 'bout the Civil War
Do you think that I should tell 'em? [YEAH!]
The years before the Civil War
Are sometimes called the antebellum

A war against the government
Usually does not go well
Those who fight the government
Are called rebels, they rebel

Nations that fight one another
Can be called belligerents
They fight for peace but wind up dead
Or injured as a consequence
In this way, war does not make sense

P A C and B E L
Are the Latin roots for peace and war
You can have one but you can't have both
Because when it comes to peace and war
It's a case of either/or

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

We've Got Hope

We've got hope, we've got hope, we've got hope

On a brighter future we're bankin'
You can call us sanguine
We can't be sure 'cause we're not clairvoyant
But about the future we're buoyant

We've got hope, we've got hope, we've got hope

Do you think we're going bananas?
Then call us Pollyannas
Do we lack the proper caution?
You can call us all Panglossian
But we don't think our hope is excessive
Because the future looks so impressive

We've got hope, we've got hope, we've got hope
We've got hope, we've got hope, we've got hope

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Quiescent Night

Quiescent night
Sanctified night
Ubiquitous calm
Ubiquitous light
Round yon virgin matriarch and child
Sanctified neonate tender and mild
Sleep in empyrean peace
Sleep in empyrean peace

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Common Mistakes Part II

Common mistakes (part 2)
That everybody makes (including you)
The kind that make grammarians say
"Give me a break!"

(Confusing disinterested and uninterested)

Disinterested means objective
Like a judge who's just and fair
While someone who's uninterested
Is someone who just does not care

(Misspelling bizarre)

B I Z A R R E
Means as strange as strange can be
B A Z A A R
Is a marketplace where you might spend a dinar

(Imply or infer?)

If I say "Dad's angry with you!"
I'm implying you should hide
If you go hide in the closet
You've inferred what I implied

(Immensity or enormity?)

Use the word immensity
For things of great size or intensity
Enormity should not be used
Unless great evil is accused

(Eminent or imminent?)

Eminent with an E
Means as respected as can be
Imminent with an I
Means "It's going to happen in the wink of an eye"

Common mistakes (part 2)
That everybody makes (including you)
The kind that make grammarians say
"Give me a break!"

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Jerks

You can call someone a jerk
If that person is a worm
But rather than call him a jerk
Why not use a more precise term?

If someone's so rude and vulgar
That he's being quite an ass
Rather than call him a jerk
You can call him crass

If someone is such a tightwad
That it makes you furious
Rather than call him a jerk
Say that he's penurious

If someone acts holier than thou
But is a phony
Rather than call him a jerk
Accuse him of sanctimony

If someone complains so much
Talking to him is perilous
Rather than call him a jerk
Just say he is querulous

If someone is hated by
All who are nice and sensible
Rather than call him a jerk
Say he's reprehensible

You can call someone a jerk
If that person is a worm
But rather than call him a jerk
Why not use a more precise term?

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

F I D Means Faith

I give you my bona fides
You can trust in what I say
F I D spells faith in Latin
F I D words on the way
Let's learn F I D words today

Someone who has turned his back
Upon his faith and God as well
Who rejects his own religion
Is known as an infidel

Someone who cannot be trusted
You can call perfidious
If he's also very sneaky
You can also call him insidious

If you lack faith in yourself
If your confidence is spent
You are feeling meek and modest
You are feeling diffident

Tell your story in a court of law
Where it's written down to save it
Make sure you have told the truth
When you sign that affidavit

I give you my bona fides
You can believe what I say
F I D spells faith in Latin
We learned F I D words today

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

If you like "F I D Means Faith," you might also like Bob Marley.

Cata Means Down

The Greeks invented the catapult
To hurl rocks down upon their foes
The prefix 'cata-' means down in Greek
Its use in other words I'll disclose
In my song, here's how it goes

When a change goes down due to a force that it cannot resist
The thing that caused the change is called a catalyst

Cemeteries down below the ground were first built in ancient Rome
They borrowed 'cata' from the Greeks to call these places catacombs

When a person's in a stupor like he's always on the Chronic
There are some who would describe him as catatonic

Katrina was a cataclysm, a flood as violent as can be
It destroyed New Orleans, that was truly a catastrophe

The Greeks invented the catapult
To hurl rocks down upon their foes
The prefix 'cata-' means down in Greek
Its use in other words now everybody knows

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Looking For A Fight

I, I, I, I, I, I'm looking for a fight!

I want to hit you with my fist
I am your antagonist
I am feeling the opposite of gracious
I want to fight, I am pugnacious
Truculent's another word that you might
Use to describe how much I want to fight

I, I, I, I, I, I'm looking for a fight!

I'm liable to start yelling and making a fuss
That's because I am obstreperous
If you prefer you can say I'm refractory
If it means mad and stubborn, your description's satisfactory
Let's have an altercation or a melee
I don't care what you call it I just want to fight today

I, I, I, I, I, I'm looking for a fight!

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review