Quiescent Night

Quiescent night
Sanctified night
Ubiquitous calm
Ubiquitous light
Round yon virgin matriarch and child
Sanctified neonate tender and mild
Sleep in empyrean peace
Sleep in empyrean peace

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

I Saw You

At the state fair I espied
You on a ride
You didn't try to hide

At the zoo I caught a glimpse
Of you by the chimps
You liked the one that limps

At the art museum I did discern
You with a look of concern
By a Grecian urn

But in the end I did not detect you
Anywhere I should not expect to
Now I know I was incorrect to
Follow you around
I bet that's why you frowned
When you saw me

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Common Mistakes Part II

Common mistakes (part 2)
That everybody makes (including you)
The kind that make grammarians say
"Give me a break!"

(Confusing disinterested and uninterested)

Disinterested means objective
Like a judge who's just and fair
While someone who's uninterested
Is someone who just does not care

(Misspelling bizarre)

B I Z A R R E
Means as strange as strange can be
B A Z A A R
Is a marketplace where you might spend a dinar

(Imply or infer?)

If I say "Dad's angry with you!"
I'm implying you should hide
If you go hide in the closet
You've inferred what I implied

(Immensity or enormity?)

Use the word immensity
For things of great size or intensity
Enormity should not be used
Unless great evil is accused

(Eminent or imminent?)

Eminent with an E
Means as respected as can be
Imminent with an I
Means "It's going to happen in the wink of an eye"

Common mistakes (part 2)
That everybody makes (including you)
The kind that make grammarians say
"Give me a break!"

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Tomorrow is Election Day

Tomorrow our great nation
A president will choose
Then with great anticipation
It will watch the tv news

To see who's our next president
Obama or McCain
Whoever wins, some folks will love
While others will disdain

For months and months we have endured
A campaign that was vicious
The insults flew both fast and hard
Both sides were quite malicious

They lied about one another
What they said was pure slander
Then they'd turn around and promise voters everything
That's what you call a pander

But soon it will be over
And we'll see how it ends
The victor and the also-ran
Will shake hands and be friends

Yes, we will watch attentively
All of the news transmissions
And then on Wednesday we'll return
To ignoring politicians

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Here Come the Ghosts

Here come the ghosts
Here come the ghosts
Here come the words for ghosts

A poltergeist makes sure you know that he is there
He loves to makes noises and throws objects in the air

A zombie is a person who returns from the dead
You might call him a revenant if you're well read

A phantom, a specter, and an apparition
These are all words that mean "a ghost-like vision"

A spirit that controls a place is called a numen
I don't know what it is, but I know it's not human

Here come the ghosts
Here come the ghosts
Here come the words for ghosts

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

EU is Good

EU is good
I know that sounds funny
But when "you" is spelled E-U
Then it's right on the money

A sound that is pleasingly sweet and harmonic
Sounds really good so we say it's euphonic

When we are so happy that we're all singing "Gloria"
We're feeling so good we say we're feeling euphoria

If it makes you feel good, if its effect is tonic
A thing can be described as eudemonic

A pet that is old and sick deserves a good end
That pet is euthanized, goodbye old friend

I spoke at a funeral, I spoke well of the dead
My speech was a eulogy, good things I said

EU is good
I know that sounds funny
But when "you" is spelled E-U
Then it's right on the money


by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Collective Nouns

A group of dogs is called a pack, a group of cows a herd
Lots of special groups have their own special word

A group of ducks is called a brace
A group of trees a stand
A group of donkeys is a pace
And a group of coyotes a band

A group of seals is called a bob
A group of leopards a leap
A group of kangaroos is a mob
And a drove is a group of sheep

And a lodge is a group of beavers
A group of snakes is a nest
A congregation is a group of believers
That's the kind that a preacher likes best

A group of dogs is called a pack, a group of cows a herd
Lots of special groups have their own special word

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

English words That Came From Spanish

English words that came from Spanish

Someone who takes the law in his own hands, he
Is known as a vigilante
When your country is betrayed
The one who did it is a renegade

Someone who loads cargo from ship to shore
Is known as a stevedore
A cowboy who works hard for his dinero
Is known as a vaquero

A military government, in case you wonder
Is known as a junta

English words that came from Spanish

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Jerks

You can call someone a jerk
If that person is a worm
But rather than call him a jerk
Why not use a more precise term?

If someone's so rude and vulgar
That he's being quite an ass
Rather than call him a jerk
You can call him crass

If someone is such a tightwad
That it makes you furious
Rather than call him a jerk
Say that he's penurious

If someone acts holier than thou
But is a phony
Rather than call him a jerk
Accuse him of sanctimony

If someone complains so much
Talking to him is perilous
Rather than call him a jerk
Just say he is querulous

If someone is hated by
All who are nice and sensible
Rather than call him a jerk
Say he's reprehensible

You can call someone a jerk
If that person is a worm
But rather than call him a jerk
Why not use a more precise term?

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

F I D Means Faith

I give you my bona fides
You can trust in what I say
F I D spells faith in Latin
F I D words on the way
Let's learn F I D words today

Someone who has turned his back
Upon his faith and God as well
Who rejects his own religion
Is known as an infidel

Someone who cannot be trusted
You can call perfidious
If he's also very sneaky
You can also call him insidious

If you lack faith in yourself
If your confidence is spent
You are feeling meek and modest
You are feeling diffident

Tell your story in a court of law
Where it's written down to save it
Make sure you have told the truth
When you sign that affidavit

I give you my bona fides
You can believe what I say
F I D spells faith in Latin
We learned F I D words today

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

If you like "F I D Means Faith," you might also like Bob Marley.

The Way You Walk

For me to know the way you're feeling we don't even have to talk
I can tell the way you're feeling from the way you walk

When you're feeling sad and sluggish, when you've got the blues
You plod and trudge like you're in a pair of concrete shoes

When you're feeling more relaxed, when your cares all start to fade
That's when you start to saunter and promenade

When you're feeling so proud I see you sucking in your gut,
Hold your head high, stick your chest out, then you start to strut

And when you're feeling aimless, that's when you start to traipse
You meander like a windblown leaf across the landscapes

For me to know how you are feeling we don't even have to talk
I can tell the way you're feeling from the way you walk

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

If you like "The Way You Walk," you might also like Fats Domino.

Cata Means Down

The Greeks invented the catapult
To hurl rocks down upon their foes
The prefix 'cata-' means down in Greek
Its use in other words I'll disclose
In my song, here's how it goes

When a change goes down due to a force that it cannot resist
The thing that caused the change is called a catalyst

Cemeteries down below the ground were first built in ancient Rome
They borrowed 'cata' from the Greeks to call these places catacombs

When a person's in a stupor like he's always on the Chronic
There are some who would describe him as catatonic

Katrina was a cataclysm, a flood as violent as can be
It destroyed New Orleans, that was truly a catastrophe

The Greeks invented the catapult
To hurl rocks down upon their foes
The prefix 'cata-' means down in Greek
Its use in other words now everybody knows

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Auto Means Self

I saw my favorite rock star today
I asked him for an autograph
He said “Yes” but only signed his first name
He only gave me half of his autograph

He told me that he had written a book
Entitled “All About Me”
The story of his life, he wrote it himself
It was his autobiography

Because auto means “self” and that’s just the way it auto be

I asked him how he learned to play guitar
He said, "Now here's actual fact
I taught myself to play the guitar
I am an autodidact"

I took his picture with my camera
I quickly snapped two or three
The camera wound the film all by itself
It wound it automatically

Because auto means "self" and that’s just the way it auto be

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Looking For A Fight

I, I, I, I, I, I'm looking for a fight!

I want to hit you with my fist
I am your antagonist
I am feeling the opposite of gracious
I want to fight, I am pugnacious
Truculent's another word that you might
Use to describe how much I want to fight

I, I, I, I, I, I'm looking for a fight!

I'm liable to start yelling and making a fuss
That's because I am obstreperous
If you prefer you can say I'm refractory
If it means mad and stubborn, your description's satisfactory
Let's have an altercation or a melee
I don't care what you call it I just want to fight today

I, I, I, I, I, I'm looking for a fight!

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Stop!

I want you to stop making noise 'cause you really are annoying me!

I am asking you to cease
Making that noise and disturbing the peace
I am hoping you have it in you
The racket you're making to discontinue
If you refuse to desist
I am going to get very angry

Stop making noise 'cause you're really annoying me

And the next time you're thinking about being a pain
I'm going to ask that you refrain
Just don't start, that's what to do
Noisy activity you should eschew
Think about the sanity of your poor parents
And practice the fine art of forbearance

If you don't make noise you won't be annoying me
Thank yooooouuuuuuuuuuuu!

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Sorry

So many different ways to say 'I'm sorry, sorry!'

What I did, it wasn't right
And for that I am contrite
The cruel things I said and meant
For those I am penitent
My regret is in full force
It is deep, I feel remorse
Now that my conscience has started to function
I am feeling great compunction
I'm aware of my disgrace and
That's why you can say I'm chastened

So many different ways to say 'I'm sorry, sorry!'

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

If you like "Sorry," you might also like power pop music.

Port

Ships carry their cargo to ports
Port means carry in words of all sorts

You can carry around documents in your portfolio
For clothes and larger items you might want a portmanteau
The first is not so heavy because it's thin and flat
The second is hard to carry because it's big and fat

If you want your bags carried at a hotel or railway station
Give them to the porter, that is his occupation
He transports your bags to your room or your seat
Don't forget to tip him, he works so he can eat

A thing that is easy to carry is described as portable
If it's not expensive it is also affordable
People who can carry on an easy conversation
Are said to have rapport and deserve our admiration

Ships carry their cargo to ports
Port means carry in words of all sorts

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Doctor's Visit

The other day I woke up afflicted
Just like that, I was lying in my sick bed
I said, "This stinks, I don't want to be sick
I'll go see the doctor, get an analgesic
(That's a kind of medicine you take to get rid of your pain)

The doctor's exam was quite meticulous
She studied me so carefully I thought it was ridiculous
Finally she said, "You've got a germ
My diagnosis is: you're infirm"
(Wait a minute, that's just a fancy way of saying I'm sick! I already knew that!)

I said, "Hey doc, don't want to be ungracious
But you're diagnosis isn't really perspicacious
You have no insight, that's really quite curious.
She said, "I'm not a real doctor; my credentials are spurious."
(But I play one on tv!)

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

M-A-G-N Means Gigantic

M-A-G-N means gigantic
Think big, even bigger than Big Ben
Imagine something big and you'll remember
The meaning of M-A-G-N

Take a small picture make it big as the sky
That's a picture that you just did magnify

Measure an item if you're in the mood
When you know how big it is, you've measured its magnitude

A corporate giant has wealth vast and great
That's a person we describe as a magnate

Do something generous in a bighearted way
You'll do something magnanimous, that's more than A OK

M-A-G-N means gigantic
Think big, even bigger than Big Ben
Imagine something big and you'll remember
The meaning of M-A-G-N

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

I Cry Each Day

I cry each day
In a different way

On Monday I howl endlessly
All day I'm loudly bawling
I'm caterwauling

On Tuesday I cry and complain
My behavior's most uncivil
That's when I snivel

On Wednesday I cry like an infant
Who hurt himself by falling
That's when I'm squalling

On Thursday like a tired child
I'm whimpering and drooling
That's when I'm mewling

On Friday I wake up and scream
Then spend the whole day howling
That's when I'm yowling

On Saturday I wail in grief
As though life's lost all meaning
That's when I'm keening

On Sunday I don't cry at all
I have myself a fun day
And wait for Monday!

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

If you like "I Cry Each Day," you might also like The Louvin Brothers.

Party

We're going to have a party, it's going to be great
Each guest has got a different personality trait

Alex isn't friendly, Alex is aloof
Instead of mixing in, he'll sit alone on the roof

Vera is quite talkative, Vera is verbose
She's going to talk your ear off if you get too close

Greg's a party animal, Greg is gregarious
His stories are engrossing and his jokes are hilarious

Melanie is very sad, she is melancholy
She is quite unlike Jolene, who really is quite jolly

Sid is such a brownnose, Sid is sycophantic
His need to flatter everyone truly is gigantic

Ann just loves to argue, she's quite antagonistic
No matter what you say to her, she's bound to go ballistic

Hope that you can make it to the party!

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Stealing

The Bible says "Thou shalt not steal"
But it doesn't say you can't talk about stealing
Here are some words you might want to use
When talking 'bout stealing is how you're feeling

If you take money from your employer
That on the business was supposed to be spent
That is called embezzlement

If you steal someone else's work
And when the teacher asks "Is that yours?" You say "Yes'm"
What you've done is plagiarism

If you steal a thing that's worth so little
It's something that you couldn't even get a dollar bill for
What you did was pilfer

If you take a walk on someone else's property
You surely are encroaching
But if you hunt or fish while you are there
What you're doing is poaching

A conquering army swoops down like thunder
What they steal is called their plunder

There are many types of stealing and they're all wrong
To remember which is which just think of this song

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Carefree

I'm having a carefree day
Everything is looking A OK
You can call me Insouciant
Or nonchalant
Either way you're saying I'm carefree
To which I agree!

Once I worried about everything
You could say that I was apprehensive
I spent my days thinking deep dark thoughts
That's why everybody said I was pensive
You never heard a person with a sadder whine
My mood could only be described as saturnine
Until she took my hand and said, "You're not so bad, and you're mine!" [sigh]

I'm having a carefree day
Everything is looking A OK
You could call me insouciant
Or nonchalant
Either way you're saying I'm carefree
To which I agree (you're in love)
In love and carefree (feeling fine)
In love and carefree (no longer saturnine)
Yes I'm in love

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

If you like "Carefree," you might also like The Fleetwoods.

Yo Mama

Yo Mama, Yo Mama, Yo Mama, Yo Mama

Yo mama is so obtuse
She hangs your clothing with a noose
She sold her car to raise gas money
She's so ignorant, it's funny

Yo mama's face is so unsightly
It is in my nightmares nightly
Compared to her Marilyn Manson
Looks just like Scarlett Johansson

Yo mama is so minuscule
She could drown in a wading pool
She needs a ladder to get in a chair
She has to cuff her underwear

Yo mama's so antiquated
Moses was a man she dated
She once had a pet dinosaur
That's all I've got, I have no more

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

Perry Gets Around

Perry is a guy who covers lots of ground
In fact his name is Greek for 'about' or 'around'
For being close to the action Perry is renowned
That's why his name is often used as a starting sound

A regular dentist takes a look at your teeth
While a periodontist looks above and beneath
He checks the gums around your teeth

When the moon is as close to the Earth as can be
That part of its orbit's called its perigee
No closer can it be

And you know how the Earth revolves around the sun?
When it can't get any closer, that's its perihelion
It's journey toward the sun is done

Perry travels all around, he's so energetic
He's always on the move, he's peripatetic
It's a good thing he's athletic

Perry is a guy who gets around!

by Tom Meltzer ©The Princeton Review

If you like "Perry Gets Around," you might also like The Beach Boys.

America the Pulchritudinous

Oh pulchritudinous
For capacious skies
For saffron waves of grain
For amethyst mountains majesty
Above the bounteous plains
America America
May God slough grace upon ya
And for all eternity
Bless you with fraternity
From Maine to Califania!